Dear Mom,

I was thinking about what you said the other day about how none of us wrote to E (my sister) when she was in rehab, and I started feeling bad about that. That I didn't even think of that or know she might like that, feeling bad that I was such an unsupportive sister.

But then I thought, hey, she's not the only one who ever felt like that. I bet a lot of people wish people around them would be more supportive, but they don't go around asking why after the fact and making people feel bad about something they can't change.

I can think of several such times myself, when I didn't feel the love or support I would have liked from my family or my sisters. There were so many years that they never gave me presents that I finally stopped expecting them. And there were several times over the years when I wished that you had been there for me a lot more.

But you know what? I took responsibility for my feelings, and understood that I could try just telling you that I wanted more attention, or just deal with it myself. Even if I had told you, there is no guarantee that other people are going to act the way you wish they would. So I just sucked it up and tried to be good to myself and managed to not tell you about those times.

Should I tell you all about them now? Should I blame you for something you didn't know I felt and can't change now anyway?

I think that the way E obsesses over perceived slights to the point where she talks about them a lot. And the more she talks the more you wish you could fix things for her. If only everyone would change! And so you try to explain her point of view and fight her battles for her.

I know you are trying to help her, but now it seems that I am spending time fighting with you when the fact is I hate to fight. Hate it. And so the prospect of fighting with E is unappealing. And now I am fighting with you too.

Where is all this going to end up? I thought we had a good relationship, but it seems like things are just getting worse.

I know you are trying and I know it must be hard, but I think your efforts would be better spent trying to get her off those ruts her mind goes into and try to get her onto another line of thinking. Everybody has feelings that she experiences, but we have to learn other ways of talking ourselves down, making ourselves feel better. We can't all go around demanding that other people change.

Only we can make ourselves feel better. I can apologize all day, but only she can decide to feel better.