We're all beautiful.

Although we had a pretty nice summer, looking back, it's been difficult too. Not just for us, but for a lot of people we know. I wrote an entry listing all the people we love who died or were diagnosed with cancer this summer, but I decided that it would just depress and scare everyone.

The tough thing is that it keeps getting closer and closer. Last week we found out K's brother in law (the nicest guy in the world besides K) was found to have colon cancer, and he has to wait 3 weeks to see a specialist who can determine if it's spread. Who can wait that long?

Then today we hear K's youngest sister found a lump in her throat. Luckily, we both know people who have successfully "beat" this type of cancer, but still it's scary.

These problems make ours with The Boy pale in comparison, and puts it into perspective. Our lives are not threatened, just changing. Thank God!

We're all just lucky to be alive, that's what I think.

Better news is that I'm doing a little better in my new job. I've learned to lock the door behind the preschoolers so they can't escape, and I've told the older kids that we're not using the internet unless it's a site I've specified is OK. They can play on their parent's computers at home.

On Tuesday I picked up a group of young ones in their classroom, and one little boy came up to me and hugged my leg. I thought that was pretty cute. Then I took them to the computer room, and told them to sit on the floor and not touch anything yet. That same little boy climbed onto a chair and went to push a button, asking, "What does this do?" I said, "Don't touch that!" and another little kid in the room said, "That's Daniel. He's bad!"

I really hate labels like that, thinking they can seep into a child's self esteem and become a self-fulfilling prophecy. So I said, "He's not bad, he's just curious." and the little boy said, "We're ALL beautiful!"

What? From a little boy? I thought that was just SO cute.

So just remember that, if you're ever feeling hard on yourself, we're ALL beautiful.

Tired feet and a headache

Yesterday I came home with tired feet and a headache. I like children a lot, but I saw 12 groups of them a day! All different age groups!

One group of preschoolers included 2 children who were crying. Loudly. I felt like asking them, "Could you please try to cry more quietly, so that the other children can hear me?" But apparently they were under the impression that loudness would help.

One of them stopped after awhile, but one little boy was worked up into a frenzy. He kept crying, "I WANT MY MOMMY!" Finally he handed me a little phone and insisted that I call his mommy. I looked closely at it, and it was a toy. I said, "What's your name?" and he yelled, "I WANT MY MOMMY!" So I took the phone and said, "Hello? Mommy? Your little boy is here and he's crying for you. What? OK, I'll tell him." and I told the boy, "Your mommy says to tell you that she loves you very much, and she'll be here as soon as she can."

That's about all I could do for him. By then end of class, he was finally interested in something enough to stop crying, but on the way back to class the other little cryer tripped and fell and started crying again.

I don't know why my feet hurt so much, I guess I'm not used to standing and walking all day.

Last night I was so tired, but The Girl wanted me to watch her practice gymnastics in the back yard, so I dragged my butt out there to see her. Since I never see my son anymore, I feel I should make the extra effort for my remaining child. It was kindof nice sitting on the porch watching and visiting with her as the day was ending. It's not her fault I'm so old and tired.

Later she asked me if Ellen Winfrey was gay. I said that Oprah Winfrey is not gay (that I know of), but Ellen DeGeneres is. She said, "Is that Ellen's real name?" I said, "Yes, I think so." She responded, "Oh. That's a weird name." I said, "What? DeGeneres?" She said, "Oh, it's DeGeneres? I thought it was Generous." I said, "What? Ellen The Generous? I guess that WOULD be a strange name, like Attila the Hun or Henry the VIII."

Altho Ellen IS generous, I think that Oprah is a little more generous. After all, she's the one that started the whole daily giveaway thing.

Today on Regis and Kelly, Billy Bob T was there to plug his new movie, "Woodcock." He said his dad had been a coach, and Regis asked if any of his dad was in his character in the movie. Billy Bob said, "Oh yeah, Dad had a little Woodcock in him."

Ha.

New job

I got a new job.

Sort of by accident. I saw a job on Craigslist for a computer teacher at a Montessori school in a really nice nearby neighborhood, so I sent in an application. I went in for a second interview, still thinking about it, and next thing I knew the guy was handing me a "new employee packet"! I kindof got it whether I liked it or not. So now I have 2 jobs again.

Of course, I'd rather just have one job. But my main job only brings in money by commission, so I can work a million hours and not get paid. It's feast or famine, and the famine was getting too strong this time. So I'm hoping this little job will help even out the highs and lows of my main job. Plus I have lots of free time, even when I'm "busy" with my main job, so I had some desire to feel more productive.

It's only for Monday and Tuesday, but I only hope I can stick it out. Those are two busy days, let me tell you! After Labor Day there was just the Tuesday, and I came home with my feet hurting. Some of the preschoolers kept trying to run out of the room, and the middle schoolers went online and promptly got viruses on at least 3 computers.

So you can see, I've got my work cut out for me! I was a little traumatized. Plus the kids were using programs that MY kids used to use, and for no good reason it made me melancholy for the days when they were both much younger. I feel things are changing a lot this year, and it's making me miss days gone by when things were more simple.

Tuesday was the first day of school for my kids, too, and we started the week without The Boy. We knew where he was, we just weren't sure how to approach this. Sure, we could have called the police, but we'd had enough drama as it was.

That's another thing I resent. I grew up with WAY too much drama, so I've tried to make our family life more stable. But now I've got drama whether I like it or not. Not fair, I tell you!

So Tuesday afternoon, K called The Boy's girlfriend's father. He told this father exactly what had happened, and the father kindof chuckled. I'm sure it was a different story from what he'd been told by The Boy. He said he'd already had a long talk with The Boy about not wanting to get in between him and his parents, and K said, "Well, you are!" K pointed out that he didn't think the father would appreciate it if he told one of his girls to do something, and they came to our house instead.

So later that afternoon, The Boy called to negotiate his return. It was really silly, because most of the things he wanted he was going to get anyway, as the summer was over and now he's a Senior. He gets more freedom during the week than he had before, but in return he's getting a job to become more responsible and fend for himself.

That's really what we've been trying to accomplish with him anyway. So if he can do it himself, so much the better.

We had already given his cell phone and dog to his sister (he never wanted to take care of the dog anyway), and we're no longer giving him any rides or money. But I'm sure he's come out of this feeling like it's a victory, and that kindof sucks. I'm not too happy with his friend or his girlfriend anymore either, so now they're scared to come around and that's fine with me. I've had it with them.

You can't drive the getaway car and still expect your boyfriend's parents to be happy with you. I also pointed out to him that he can't expect to do this again next time he has a problem with us, as he probably just lost a lot of credibility with his girlfriend's father. I bet he won't be so quick to take him in again. And most parents won't be willing to take a teen in just because he doesn't want to do chores or doesn't like the rules.

He just blew his wad, and now it's gone. What I can't believe is that this girlfriend's parents let her boyfriend come over, spend ALL his time there, and even sleep there - evidently with her! So how do WE come out looking like the bad parents here?

Well, anyway, he's back and he's happier, but we're still angry with him. Especially me, I think. Hopefully someday soon things will even out again. Meanwhile he hasn't been able to find a job yet, and we haven't given him money in over a week.

I also told him that I didn't think it was fair to us to not even TRY to get an athletic scholarship. You may remember that earlier in the year, he refused to get onto a travel team, which is how you get seen by scouts. So it's been a bone of contention ever since. So I told him that his education is now up to him - he can take out loans or try to get a scholarship, but I'd like to remove us from the equation. I want him to try for himself.

At least The Girl still likes us. I'm just hoping to make it through the year,

Brad Pit is headed for trouble

I've had an incredibly frustrating and emotional week. You can stop reading now, if you want to.

It's funny, while my sister was here, I was telling her, "Oh, I don't get that upset anymore." I said this about work, but in general I'm not as touchy as I used to be.

Then my sister R left . The good times were over. no more shopping and copius eating out. I felt like I'd had a friend with me all week, then she was gone! Then nothing seemed as fun.

Then it got really, really hot
-which makes the ants come out
-felt like I was back in Birkham Yoga, but all day

Then my boss let me down and everyone was trying to squeeze me for money - and we all know I've had lots of expenses lately. I felt like everyone had their hand in my pocket, and I got so mad and frustrated I cried. I hate someone telling me I'm wrong when I don't agree. I hate someone making me do something that I don't want to do, even when in the back of my mind I know they can't make me. Maybe I was PMS'ing too.

Then the water heater broke
-and we have to wait a week for the company to fix it that's under the warranty; Luckily we've been so hot we've been happy to take cold showers.

Then The Boy gave us the old tomato. Over Labor Day weekend, he'd wanted to spend ALL his time with his friends and girlfriend, and mostly we let him. But we gave him some money on Thursday for something he agreed to do for the money (work out, I think), but he managed to put it off until Sunday night. Sunday he came back from the beach, took a shower, took a nap, then wanted to go back out. We said no, you need to do what you promised, and he snapped. He ran off to stay at his girlfriend's house, where her parents evidently let him sleep.

He said he's tired of having chores and having to run things by us, so unless we agree to give him total freedom (apparently what his graduated girlfriend gets), he's done with us. He says all his friends get to "hang out" from the time they get up until it's time to go to bed.

We didn't realize that the neighborhood was so brat infested.

Now my heart hurts
K and I are starting new jobs tomorrow
we didn't need this
we didn't deserve this
The Girl didn't deserve this
His dog didn't deserve this

K had planned to go to work that night, but stayed home with me
I was afraid I'd have a panic attack
my emotions so strong
that feeling of emptiness in my chest
yet my heart is beating so fast
can't believe he's doing this to me, to his little sister, to his little dog

torn
don't want him back if everything the same - giving him rides, etc. when he's so unappreciative
can't believe his girlfriend's parents are enabling him to leave home
they even bought him school supplies, he says

he says he's getting a job
that would be good for him

I'm really confused about what to do now
Option 1 -put pressure on him to return (but he's been SUCH a pain in the ass!)
Option 2 - wait until his girlfriend goes to college and her family gets tired of his being there without her

Everything now seems to remind me of when he was a boy, and he loved and valued us, and that hurts. but it seems normal that he has to break away at some point, and so he's turned against us.

But now I remember all the love and attention I gave to him so willingly, and I wonder why. why did I do all that?

It's just so hard sometimes, that I think I can't do it anymore.

I have to go thru all his old stuff now - he'd started changing rooms before he left
I get to pack up all his youthful collections and remember when he was a nice boy.

But I guess I don't have to do it right now.

Sure, Brad Pitt thinks the kids are cute NOW. Wait until he's got 5 teenagers to deal with.