Dear Mom,

I was thinking about what you said the other day about how none of us wrote to E (my sister) when she was in rehab, and I started feeling bad about that. That I didn't even think of that or know she might like that, feeling bad that I was such an unsupportive sister.

But then I thought, hey, she's not the only one who ever felt like that. I bet a lot of people wish people around them would be more supportive, but they don't go around asking why after the fact and making people feel bad about something they can't change.

I can think of several such times myself, when I didn't feel the love or support I would have liked from my family or my sisters. There were so many years that they never gave me presents that I finally stopped expecting them. And there were several times over the years when I wished that you had been there for me a lot more.

But you know what? I took responsibility for my feelings, and understood that I could try just telling you that I wanted more attention, or just deal with it myself. Even if I had told you, there is no guarantee that other people are going to act the way you wish they would. So I just sucked it up and tried to be good to myself and managed to not tell you about those times.

Should I tell you all about them now? Should I blame you for something you didn't know I felt and can't change now anyway?

I think that the way E obsesses over perceived slights to the point where she talks about them a lot. And the more she talks the more you wish you could fix things for her. If only everyone would change! And so you try to explain her point of view and fight her battles for her.

I know you are trying to help her, but now it seems that I am spending time fighting with you when the fact is I hate to fight. Hate it. And so the prospect of fighting with E is unappealing. And now I am fighting with you too.

Where is all this going to end up? I thought we had a good relationship, but it seems like things are just getting worse.

I know you are trying and I know it must be hard, but I think your efforts would be better spent trying to get her off those ruts her mind goes into and try to get her onto another line of thinking. Everybody has feelings that she experiences, but we have to learn other ways of talking ourselves down, making ourselves feel better. We can't all go around demanding that other people change.

Only we can make ourselves feel better. I can apologize all day, but only she can decide to feel better.

Obstacles

On being pleasant
A few months ago I decided to be more easy-going. To try, anyway. I talked with a friend who had just watched "A Wonderful World" and she felt the same: She was going to try to be "as pleasant as pleasant can be!"

Right after I made this decision, as usual, life tried to test me. First, I saw a big dog in my yard, so I went outside to tell it to quit pooping on my lawn. After I yelled at him to stop, I saw his owner coming to get him. I wanted to ask the owner to please take his doggie's poop with him, but was unable to think of a pleasant way to do so.

So I went inside and closed the door.

Then I took my daughter to soccer practice. Some of the parents were standing around talking about last week's game, and one of the Dads told me, "Actually, that referee was correct. Maybe if you don't understand the game of soccer you just shouldn't talk."

Excuse me? I just shouldn't TALK???? I wanted to say, "Maybe if you don't have enough of a grasp of the English language to know when you might be offending people, maybe YOU shouldn't talk!"

But I couldn't think of a pleasant way to say this, so I left.

And we all know I failed the being pleasant test at Christmastime. This being pleasant business is a lot harder than it's cracked up to be.

It seems whenever I decide I want something in life, there are immediately obstacles. A friend told me about sauteing cabbage in sesame oil and mixing it with the rice noodles found at local Korean stores, so I thought that sounded good. I'm always looking for good vegetable recipes (plus I love noodles.)

So Monday I went to the local Korean store, and there weren't any. I asked the lady behind the counter, and she said "Not today. Come tomorrow!"

So the next day I braved the unusual smells and unfamiliar products again to look for the noodles, but again, I couldn't find them. So I walked all the way to the back of the store, past the butcher station, and I saw some of the noodles spread out on a pan on the counter. I asked the man standing there, "Do you have any noodles ready to go?" and he said, "Not yet. One hour."

So you see, one has to really try once you make a decision. Or you give up. At least I finally got my noodles (yum!).

I hope I can stay pleasant. Sometimes I feel like giving up.

My Plan

We had some work done in the basement in November. New flooring, ceiling stripped of popcorn, paint. This meant clearing everything OUT of the basement (and our bedroom), and this was a BIG job.

The Girl was helping us at first, mostly carrying books outside. She stopped and asked me, "Mom, do you have so many books because you don't want people to think you watch too much TV?" Wha? Isn't that a funny question?

I told her no, it's because I like to read. She said, "Well, that explains why you BUY the books, but no why you KEEP them!" I explained that some I like to look at again or refer to later.

But she got me thinking, and I have too much stuff in general, but also too many books. So as we unpack, we're paring down and hoping to clear out LOTs of stuff.

So I don't really need to make a resolution, but this year I plan to get rid of lots more stuff.

Also, I'm determined to find a way to lose weight that doesn't involve stopping drinking.

Exercise! Next week the Girl and I start tennis lessons again.

Here's to carrying around less weight this year! I'll drink to that!

The saga continues...

The day before yesterday I got an email notice that our TV had been picked up at Best Buy in Boulder, Colorado. OK, but the TV for K's parents was already picked up on 12/12. Hmmm....

When we ordered the TV online to be picked up in Boulder, we followed up with a phone call to the store. The store manager told us that our order couldn't be picked up without ID, which would be impossible since we live in California. So he had us order one over the phone, and put a note on it so K's sister could pick it up for him in CO.

K was concerned about accidentally buying 2 TV's, but the manager said it wouldn't be possible, without ID. Later, I also received an email about our first order, saying we only had a limited time to pick it up. So there was no need to cancel the order, because we wouldn't be charged until the unit was picked up.

A month later, someone DID pick up a 2nd TV, evidently without ID. I think it must have been an "inside job", as who would know that a TV was waiting for someone with a certain name? Who else would let someone pick up a TV w/out the required ID?

The store is now investigating, and hopefully we will not be out another $300!

We never had ANY of these problems before. What's with all the crime this Christmas?

Teardrop