Nostalgia

I'd been noticing that I've been  spending a lot of time thinking about times past. In particular, there's a moment I remember, the last time I saw Terry, that gives me a lot of trouble. He was sitting down and I was standing, and I must have said hi to him or something. "Weren't you just here?" he asked, which was nonsense because I hadn't come back to town for a fairly long time. I think it was spring. He'd clearly been drinking. Anyway, he said, "I could tell you something, but it would make you mad."

Why, oh why did I not make him say it? I don't think I even asked! Maybe I didn't feel like being mad at him. Maybe I just didn't care anymore.

But boy has it been fuel for my imagination! What was it? Bad breath? Too intense? One month it was the back brace and everyone laughing behind my back. For some reason it sent me back to my yearbook, and reading his entry actually made me feel guilty! Like the guy really liked me! It was almost there in print! But then I cycled through memories after that entry, ending with me seeing that it probably worked out fine. I mean, he wasn't even a big deal in my life! But what did he mean by that?

Anyway, I decided that I was DONE with the past and would try to stay put in the present. So much for deciding something. Somehow I think that made it worse!

The thing about thinking back on things is that I can see so clearly now things that at the time I couldn't see at all! I know there's no point in feeling badly about something you can't change, but boy I woujld like to go back and do a few things differently.

Anyway, I was on FB and I saw a posting from an old friend from HS. He looks good in his camouflage  and seems like a good person. Whenever I think of him, I remember a time when we first got to college and I had just had a foreshadow of a big breakup, and suddenly Tim showed up at my side. I can't remember if I was in tears or if I'd recovered by then, but I remember he was there, trying to be nice, and I just couldn't talk to him right then.


I only recently really thought about this.

I just really wished I could have seen him right then, and realized that I possibly had a friend at that school. Maybe more. Maybe if I hadn't been so wrapped up in myself I would have seen someone that needed a friend too. I focused so much on my feelings that I didn't notice that maybe I was being rude. Maybe my first year of college didn't have to be so tough.

I really wish I could go back and change that.