Dear Mom,

I was thinking about what you said the other day about how none of us wrote to E (my sister) when she was in rehab, and I started feeling bad about that. That I didn't even think of that or know she might like that, feeling bad that I was such an unsupportive sister.

But then I thought, hey, she's not the only one who ever felt like that. I bet a lot of people wish people around them would be more supportive, but they don't go around asking why after the fact and making people feel bad about something they can't change.

I can think of several such times myself, when I didn't feel the love or support I would have liked from my family or my sisters. There were so many years that they never gave me presents that I finally stopped expecting them. And there were several times over the years when I wished that you had been there for me a lot more.

But you know what? I took responsibility for my feelings, and understood that I could try just telling you that I wanted more attention, or just deal with it myself. Even if I had told you, there is no guarantee that other people are going to act the way you wish they would. So I just sucked it up and tried to be good to myself and managed to not tell you about those times.

Should I tell you all about them now? Should I blame you for something you didn't know I felt and can't change now anyway?

I think that the way E obsesses over perceived slights to the point where she talks about them a lot. And the more she talks the more you wish you could fix things for her. If only everyone would change! And so you try to explain her point of view and fight her battles for her.

I know you are trying to help her, but now it seems that I am spending time fighting with you when the fact is I hate to fight. Hate it. And so the prospect of fighting with E is unappealing. And now I am fighting with you too.

Where is all this going to end up? I thought we had a good relationship, but it seems like things are just getting worse.

I know you are trying and I know it must be hard, but I think your efforts would be better spent trying to get her off those ruts her mind goes into and try to get her onto another line of thinking. Everybody has feelings that she experiences, but we have to learn other ways of talking ourselves down, making ourselves feel better. We can't all go around demanding that other people change.

Only we can make ourselves feel better. I can apologize all day, but only she can decide to feel better.

Obstacles

On being pleasant
A few months ago I decided to be more easy-going. To try, anyway. I talked with a friend who had just watched "A Wonderful World" and she felt the same: She was going to try to be "as pleasant as pleasant can be!"

Right after I made this decision, as usual, life tried to test me. First, I saw a big dog in my yard, so I went outside to tell it to quit pooping on my lawn. After I yelled at him to stop, I saw his owner coming to get him. I wanted to ask the owner to please take his doggie's poop with him, but was unable to think of a pleasant way to do so.

So I went inside and closed the door.

Then I took my daughter to soccer practice. Some of the parents were standing around talking about last week's game, and one of the Dads told me, "Actually, that referee was correct. Maybe if you don't understand the game of soccer you just shouldn't talk."

Excuse me? I just shouldn't TALK???? I wanted to say, "Maybe if you don't have enough of a grasp of the English language to know when you might be offending people, maybe YOU shouldn't talk!"

But I couldn't think of a pleasant way to say this, so I left.

And we all know I failed the being pleasant test at Christmastime. This being pleasant business is a lot harder than it's cracked up to be.

It seems whenever I decide I want something in life, there are immediately obstacles. A friend told me about sauteing cabbage in sesame oil and mixing it with the rice noodles found at local Korean stores, so I thought that sounded good. I'm always looking for good vegetable recipes (plus I love noodles.)

So Monday I went to the local Korean store, and there weren't any. I asked the lady behind the counter, and she said "Not today. Come tomorrow!"

So the next day I braved the unusual smells and unfamiliar products again to look for the noodles, but again, I couldn't find them. So I walked all the way to the back of the store, past the butcher station, and I saw some of the noodles spread out on a pan on the counter. I asked the man standing there, "Do you have any noodles ready to go?" and he said, "Not yet. One hour."

So you see, one has to really try once you make a decision. Or you give up. At least I finally got my noodles (yum!).

I hope I can stay pleasant. Sometimes I feel like giving up.

My Plan

We had some work done in the basement in November. New flooring, ceiling stripped of popcorn, paint. This meant clearing everything OUT of the basement (and our bedroom), and this was a BIG job.

The Girl was helping us at first, mostly carrying books outside. She stopped and asked me, "Mom, do you have so many books because you don't want people to think you watch too much TV?" Wha? Isn't that a funny question?

I told her no, it's because I like to read. She said, "Well, that explains why you BUY the books, but no why you KEEP them!" I explained that some I like to look at again or refer to later.

But she got me thinking, and I have too much stuff in general, but also too many books. So as we unpack, we're paring down and hoping to clear out LOTs of stuff.

So I don't really need to make a resolution, but this year I plan to get rid of lots more stuff.

Also, I'm determined to find a way to lose weight that doesn't involve stopping drinking.

Exercise! Next week the Girl and I start tennis lessons again.

Here's to carrying around less weight this year! I'll drink to that!

The saga continues...

The day before yesterday I got an email notice that our TV had been picked up at Best Buy in Boulder, Colorado. OK, but the TV for K's parents was already picked up on 12/12. Hmmm....

When we ordered the TV online to be picked up in Boulder, we followed up with a phone call to the store. The store manager told us that our order couldn't be picked up without ID, which would be impossible since we live in California. So he had us order one over the phone, and put a note on it so K's sister could pick it up for him in CO.

K was concerned about accidentally buying 2 TV's, but the manager said it wouldn't be possible, without ID. Later, I also received an email about our first order, saying we only had a limited time to pick it up. So there was no need to cancel the order, because we wouldn't be charged until the unit was picked up.

A month later, someone DID pick up a 2nd TV, evidently without ID. I think it must have been an "inside job", as who would know that a TV was waiting for someone with a certain name? Who else would let someone pick up a TV w/out the required ID?

The store is now investigating, and hopefully we will not be out another $300!

We never had ANY of these problems before. What's with all the crime this Christmas?

Teardrop

Christmas Surprises

This year I didn't stress out for Christmas, I was so proud of myself. So grateful. In past years I've threatened to become Buddist. But this year I wasn't working, and altho I feel some anxiety about that, it was really nice. K has been working extra (basketball coaching), so I picked up the slack. Plus, the Girl is such a big help that I had presents ready and wrapped on time, cards sent out, everything.

In fact at one point I was remembering how sometimes Holidays have a way of telling me that I'm not important - over and over, and how much I hate that. But, no sign of that this year! I'm so lucky.

We had some work done downstairs which meant we moved lots of stuff to the garage, and our Christmas stuff is still stuck in the back. So I picked up some cheap decorations in blue (my favorite color) and our little tree looked so cute! But one day I was looking at it and realized - it's all blue! Is it a Hanuka tree? I still don't have the answer to that.

The Boy was home from college, desperately looking for a job.

A few days before the holidays we drove upstate to see K's sister & BIL who were renting a house in Cambria for the Holiday. No job yet for the Boy, so he came with us. They are dog friendly, so we took the dog and had a great time. Especially the dog, as he LOVES getting to run off-leash and especially at the beach. They'd already opened their gifts, and remarked about how generous my in-laws are. After all, they just gave everyone in the family a cruise. We'd expected them to cut back at Christmas. But no, it seems they were more generous than ever! I couldn't wait.

I'm really lucky that both my parents and my in-laws are so generous. It's something I had come to look forward to. But this year we tried to be generous too. I picked up an electronic photo frame for my Mom, and gave my Dad a CD of pictures to load onto it (plus some other stuff he likes). K decided to give his parents a TV. He gave them one about 20 years ago, and that's still the one they had! So he arranged for his Sister who lives nearby to pick it up and deliver it to them for Christmas.

With the kids I tried to give them ideas of what to get me, and I finally asked them for a magazine subscription that they would split the price. I didn't want to end up with a box of candy like I did last year. (My figure would protest)Then I felt guilty because $12.50 for half a present seemed like a lot for a 12-year-old, so I gave her a couple of books I had picked up for myself (at the $.99 Store), telling her she could just give me those. I talked to the Boy and gave him some ideas of things I might like.

The first sign of Christmas trouble came when my Mom called me. They'd received a package, but it was very light and taped and strapped strangely. There were no presents in it for my parents! It seems that someone opened the box, took out the heaviest and just a bunch of things, left a few gift bags and taped it back up, strapped it closed, and sent it on its way. WTF? The only thing of real value was the photo frame, the rest is a bunch of junk to anyone other than who I intended it for! SURPRISE!!

The Boy's birthday is a few days before Christmas, and when he opened his present from the in-laws, he was stunned. They gave him $1,000. That was a BIG surprise! He called them up to say thanks and ask why, and they were nonchalant, saying they had meant to give it to him in September for the school year. Wow! They really WERE being generous this year! That's just so crazy, I don't want to tell MY parents. They sent him a more reasonable amount of money, and I don't want them to think they have to compete. BTW, he is no longer looking for a job.

Then the day before Christmas Eve I noticed that I had what looked like a book from the Boy. So I asked the Girl, and she she'd given one of the books to him to give me. SURPRISE!! I know it sounds stupid, but I was really disappointed. SO disappointed, it brought tears to my eyes! After the year I've had with him, I was really looking forward to seeing what he'd get me. Instead I got something I'd bought myself. I guess I deserved that, for trying to control things so much.

Oh, and BTW, my FIL had bought my MIL a TV for Christmas! So it seems that even tho we both tried to be generous this Christmas, it was all for naught.

Stupid holiday.

Don't judge me. Sometimes we all need to vent.

Thanksgiving

The week before Thanksgiving, the Boy texted me that he'd gotten a piercing in his eyebrow. OK, I was afraid he was going to get a tatoo, so I guess a piercing is better than that. But he acted afraid of what his father would say, but what COULD he say? He just shook his head.

I love our turkey. I adapted an easy roast chicken recipe I saw on TV once (which is also great.) First empty out the turkey. Then I take apart at least 2 heads of garlic but leave the skins on, and scatter them on the bottom of the pan. Put the turkey on top, and pour a few cups of wine over the top of the turkey. Bake as directed.

Since I don't have a roaster, I also use those cooking bags for turkey, and a disposable roasting pan. It smells SO good once it gets cooking, and it's just so easy. Tastes great too. Yum.

I was telling the Boy about my recipe (once he got here) and how easy it was, and that song popped into my head, "Just put it in the bag." I heard Whoopi Goldberg on the View talking about how she gets up all night to baste the turkey (it's a tradition), and there's just no need for that. Just put it in the bag!

This year I noticed that I've been making the same mistake for several years now. If it says the turkey will be ready in 3-4 hours, I tell everyone it's ready in 4 hours. But it's always ready in 3! That's kindof OK, because I have to bake the sides, but that doesn't really take a whole hour.

And this year the Boy was a little late. He hit traffic, and his new girlfriend was bringing him. She couldn't stay, tho. So it was a little ackward. We were hungry, it smelled so good, but we waited for the Boy. When he finally got here, he introduced his girlfriend (v. pretty and seems nice), and we wanted to EAT!! So she kindof had to leave right away.

The meal was nice, and the Girl helped me quite a bit. It's a lot less stressful when I have such good help.

We had a nice visit with the Boy and I tried to be as pleasant as possible. He is really riding that line between childhood and adulthood, and even said, "I want all the perks of growing up but none of the responsibility!" when we were urging him to check something out with the school counselors.

We were asking him about his new girlfriend and he said he knew her last year, but she was dating a real jerk. The Girl and I both wondered aloud how he managed to do that again. He acknowledged that he only has to do the minimum and she thinks its great because she had such a bad boyfriend before him.

He also let it slip that he'd met up with her family a few times during the semester. I was surprised to hear that, as he only visited us ONCE all semester, when we asked him to come take care of his dog so we could attend a funeral in Indiana. He said it was because he was afraid of what we would say about his piercing.

He also surprised me by saying he needed to give us his Christmas list! We said, "What?!" We were already done and weren't planning on giving him much anyway. He's not a kid anymore! He doesn't get to give us Christmas lists anymore! He just doesn't know that yet. He asked us for things like presents for his friends and a plane ticket to visit his girlfriend!

I asked the Girl if I should tell him, and she said no. I said, "What if we just tell him we're already done shopping and he can use his money to buy what he wants?" and she said no. Next thing I knew, she was checking online and actually working to get him something he asked for (Clippers tickets). She offered to pay half. Isn't she the best?

On Sunday his girlfriend came back to spend the day and take him back to college (he still doesn't drive.) I had taken some steaks out for dinner, so I told him to let me know if they wanted to stay for dinner. They went out to the mall and visiting friends, and I didn't hear from him again until around 5, when he called to say he and his girlfriend would be there for dinner, and could he bring his friend too? (so his girl wouldn't feel put on the spot)

We went from 3 for dinner to 6, just like that! Luckily I had enough food and it came out well. I've been sauteing chard in garlic and olive oil, and it is SO good! It's good with rice or mashed potatoes.

The Boy called us a week later to ask what restaurant we go to in Chinatown and where it was. It seems he likes to show his friends the cool things we've done with him. I told K he'd probably do that with his kids too, and then they'll grow up and not visit him all semester.

But really, I'm thankful. I have a nice, handsome husband. A smart, charismatic son, and a beautiful, kind and helpful daughter. I have a roof over my head and more than enough to eat. I have my health.

Thank God.